Why we resist networking and how to make it more enjoyable
Today, we're going to make networking easier! For most of us, the idea of networking can understandably evoke fear or resistance. Intellectually, we know that talking with people can be beneficial, yet we procrastinate or put it off indefinitely. There can be several reasons for this:
Lack of skill or knowledge: Not knowing where to start or how exactly to do it
Insecurities: Fear of (feeling like) we're being judged
Taking it personally: Viewing it as a rejection if we don't receive a response when reaching out
Time constraints: Shortage of time to research and/or reach out to people
Minimal network: Feeling like (or actually having) a small amount of people to connect with
I want to normalize that all of these make a lot of sense and are very (very!) common. Which one (or more) resonates with you? As many of my clients know, I incorporate mindfulness and self-compassion along with skill-building in my coaching. So, we can take a moment to recognize which potential obstacles are relevant for us and offer ourselves kindness and understanding ~ rather than being hard on ourselves.
Also, remember that everyone starts somewhere. And the good thing is that networking is about conversations which means the goal is to be genuine, kind, and authentic; it is not a competition or something to be perfect at. That famous adage that people remember how you make them feel not what they say, is useful here. You can do this!
Our minds are trying to protect us and we can appreciate that. For example, if we are afraid of being judged (or felt that way in the past), it makes sense that this emotional pain is such that we wouldn't want to reach out to people. Similarly, if you have a lot on your plate, it makes sense to feel resistant to adding even one more thing, even if you know instinctively it may help your goals. Keep in mind, also, that most people are very happy to talk with others and enjoy the chance to be helpful - just as you help and support others.
I'm really glad you're here and reading this.
Before I share 3 great techniques to try, I want to recognize how awesome it is that you're devoting time to this. Given the nature of the current job market, it's a good idea to talk with people as part of our job search activities. I truly empathize with how easy it is to want to rely solely on the job boards and how scary it can seem to reach out to people. Connecting with others and building your network gets easier over time and often the hardest part is starting. You can do this! And the payoff can be significant.
Networking and talking with others can accelerate your job search and support positive well-being. While online job boards can be helpful, they might not reveal all your options; networking even just a little bit can help to identify different opportunities (not listed online), increase the chance for your resume to be seen by a person, and overall can help things start to move more quickly.
Also, it's so enjoyable (even inspiring!) to connect with others rather than only applying to jobs online; it is too solitary and there's just not enough human feedback & interaction given how the process generally operates.
Okay; so, most of us know we 'should' network, but how can we actually do it? Here are 3 ways to get started:
Shift the language that you use to reframe networking.
Knowing that networking scares most of us, feel free to stop using this term! :) Instead look at it as:
Just talking with people
Catching up
Finding inspiration
Getting information
Meeting new people
Learning
Building community
Having conversations
You can remind yourself with lots of encouragement, that you talk with people every day, have great relationships, and maintain wonderful friendships. I think many of us are interacting with people less than pre-pandemic and that can make us feel a little rusty. This is very understandable. But, if you try and remember that networking is just a fancy word for talking with people - and that you already know how to do this - it can provide some calmness and confidence as an antidote to fear and worry.
The idea is to diffuse our fear and replace it by reminding ourselves that this is what we already do and feel competent at.
You've got this!
Start small and turn it into a habit.
We also perceive networking as this very big thing that feels like we're running for mayor and need to reach out to hundreds of people. And, the more we procrastinate, the bigger this fear and resistance grows. The truth is, it's the quality of our social circle that matters. As an athlete, I know the best way to do hard things is to start very small; the goal is to start so small that it bypasses and does not activate the internal alarms that scare us.
Set an intention to reach out to 1 person today (or over the next 1-3 days)
Brainstorm a list of 5-10 people who are warm leads - people you know who are likely to respond favorably (e.g., friends, family members, colleagues/past colleagues, parents of your kids' friends, the coach or instructor from an activity that you do (or your kids do), someone at the gym you see regularly, etc.)
Start with someone you know who is likely to respond, and simply ask to catch up. If you're nervous about networking for a job search or career development, that may feel like too much pressure as a starting point; instead, start to rebuild your social connection muscle by 1) reaching out and 2) having a conversation with someone. We can build from there!
Set a reminder on your phone to reach out to someone each day or three times a week, etc. at a pace that feels comfortable to you. The objective is to make it consistent, small, and repeatable. By making this action more frequent, it will also become easier and require less effort over time.
When you connect with these familiar people, the goal is to have a positive and enjoyable conversation. You can talk by phone, grab a coffee or a meal, or do a virtual Zoom or FaceTime. Be a great listener, ask about them, and share what you're working on in a positive, authentic, and engaging way. This means sharing a little bit about yourself and what's on your plate right now, your goals/wishes/aspirations, how you're feeling about it (if it feels okay to do that), and with a healthy sense of optimism and hope. The goal is to connect in our human experience. This first step doesn't have to have an agenda or to ask for something, it's to foster camaraderie. If it feels comfortable, you can ask if they'd be open to talking again and they'll likely say yes. Then, you can set a personal reminder in your phone to reach out again in a couple/few weeks and do it again, while repeating this process with others.
Later, you can deepen and expand these conversations to talking about job search stuff and career goals or asking for introductions to people who might be able to help.
Give yourself lots and lots of positive support and encouragement; this might be new for you or feel like it takes some effort; go easy on yourself and celebrate every step.
This is one framework as a starting point; feel free to customize further for your own style.
Expand to new people and incorporate your job search & career goals.
So you may be wondering, but wait; if I just catch up with people, how will that help me get a job? And what if my personal network isn't a good source of jobs? I don't want to waste my time, you might say.
The best networking and relationship building starts with genuine connection, and it is a process. Once people start talking to people, they usually find people are connected in really cool ways. The more comfortable you become reaching out to people, skilled at talking with others, and building a habit of engaging, the easier all of this becomes. Eventually, you're not 'networking' as a thing to do, it's just a way of life to connect and enrich your life...and often, with referrals, introductions, mentoring, exchange of ideas, camaraderie, and job leads in some cases.
Also, in your initial conversations & catch-ups with friends and family, you can absolutely share that you're excited to be looking for new opportunities in (your preferred field) and do they know anyone great you can talk with. Things will naturally evolve from there.
The next step is to expand your personal/professional circle by starting to reach out to new people. This can be a suggestion/referral from someone you know, and it's usually easier to start with an introduction. Or, you can leverage your alumni network or a professional association to talk with new people, and where you start with something in common.
And, as mentioned above, you can also go back to people you know and steer the conversation more towards your professional aspirations.
If you see someone on LinkedIn who inspires you, you can also reach out and let them know (briefly) what was meaningful about something they posted, and ask if they have a few minutes to connect by phone or Zoom sometime over the next few weeks.
Equally, you can find people who work at some of your target companies where you'd like to work and reach out proactively asking if you can learn more about their experience at XYZ company and to hear more about their career path.
And again, if it feels like a lot, just choose one small thing to try, to begin.
Keep a healthy perspective & focus on the great interactions
If you try these suggestions, you're bound to have some really great interactions, and that amazing feeling will make it more likely that you'll keep doing it!
But we know that not everyone will be available to talk and some may not get back to us. Try not to take this personally. There are so many reasons why this may happen: someone might be sick or managing a health challenge, they may be having their own job search/work challenges, they might not check LinkedIn, or they may be slow to respond to texts or emails (or just overwhelmed), or any other myriad of possibilities that truly have nothing to do with you.
Keep reaching out and focusing on the part you can control. By reaching out to people regularly, you will also increase your chances of more positive responses, great conversations, introductions, and even job leads.
Let me know how it goes, and keep up the great work!
And remember, you bring light to every conversation; it's not about what you get from networking, it's the good energy and genuineness you bring to others and the world.
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