This amount of rejection isn't normal – it's not you

Unprecedented

If this were before the pandemic, you would probably already be hired.

I wanted to not even include the 'probably'.

We know there is a high number of talented candidates and a lower number of open roles, but that is only the tip of the iceberg.

I've been wanting to write this for a while, and I hope that you'll feel very seen and heard. I also hope this understanding of what's going on will help you to approach your search, and each day, with more self-compassion, strategy, and empowerment.

Rejection, or perceived rejection as I'll make the case for, can morph into lower self-worth and shame, and while all feelings are valid and make sense, I don't want you internalizing what is fundamentally a very broken system.

The baseline – what's really going on

Let me lay a baseline to this piece by highlighting that you're not imagining things. This is a much different (read: worse) job market due to:

• The high number and frequency of layoffs

• A lower inventory of open roles

• Discrimination based on race, gender, sexual orientation, age, religion, disability, & more

• Systemic barriers in the hiring process and at work have gotten worse

• Longer, extended job searches and more time-intensive hiring processes

• Ghost jobs and previously identified candidates, even though a search is advertised

• Inconsistent, nonresponsive candidate communication

• Increased high cost of living while between jobs, with varying severance packages, and certain unemployment benefits having been removed since the pandemic

• Impact on health and well-being post-pandemic, combined with higher life stress, including work and job searching
  

These are just some of the factors; there are certainly more.

If you haven't been hired yet, I want you to really see this list as evidence of why it's not your fault. It's not a rejection of you or your talents. This is an oversaturated market with a lot of flaws in the hiring process.

It doesn't mean that we give up. We can still take good care of ourselves by figuring out how to earn money and find fulfillment with work. If anything, we need your voice, your talents, and your leadership even more.

It's about the lens through which we view this landscape to protect our mental health and find a job despite these obstacles.

What this means for you personally

We're dealing with systemic issues, plural.

So instead of a job search taking between one and three months, maybe six months (which sometimes it still does), a job search may also take a year or two, or more. This is heartbreaking, deeply frustrating, and almost incomprehensible for job seekers enduring it and loved ones witnessing it.

How can this even be happening?

In virtually no other goal do people work hard, do all the right things, and not get a return.

It's not natural, it feels awful, and it doesn't make sense.

Yet, we are resilient. People get hired, and you will find a new job – and may it be soon.

But what this means is a lot more rejection, for a longer period of time, when the stakes feel higher, and with more job search stress than ever before.

The layoff element

I would be remiss if I didn't also bring to light a key difference: most people who are job searching right now have experienced the detrimental effects of going through one or more layoffs.

This means that many are starting off a job search already feeling a sense of perceived rejection and instability for one of the biggest parts of life. Even when it's companywide and purely budgetary, it feels personal. Because we're human.

Imagining the best(?) case scenario with lots of advance notice and a human-centered way of sharing the news with a generous severance package, it would still be hard. You're not only losing financial security but also a community of work friends, the routine of going to work, and a sense of daily purpose or even passion, among other things.

Yet, we know there are too many stories of hurtful and, I would argue, psychologically damaging layoff experiences. Most layoffs are sudden and require employees to leave immediately or within a couple of hours without saying goodbye to anyone, and the way news is delivered can be very hurtful and even professionally traumatizing. The stories of layoff notices delivered impersonally by text or email are detrimental. Conversations lacking common courtesy, dignity, and awareness of what this means for the person's life are painful.

This is not right. Thankfully, some companies are starting to do things differently, though I personally wish the layoffs would just stop.

Why job search rejection hurts more

So, thinking about what we can do, it helps to affirm why job search rejection hurts. Some of this may be obvious, yet some of the nuances may help you find insight and self-compassion.

• Applying for a job is putting yourself out there in a big way; it feels very personal if a job doesn't work out.

• Sharing your work history in a resume or on LinkedIn feels personal and vulnerable

• The entire job search process is an evaluation; we feel judged.

• Applying takes a lot of time; you put your heart and soul into the applications and interviews.

• The way hiring is done makes even the most self-assured person feel like a number or as if they're disposable. (Note: You're not, and you matter deeply; again, it's a bad system.)

• Our financial livelihood depends on earning money, so when a job opportunity doesn't pan out, it feels really scary.

• If you've interviewed with multiple rounds, gotten to know the prospective team, and especially if you really liked the people and wanted to work there, it can feel extra hard.

• The lack of open roles makes each non-acceptance feel massive.

• To get your hopes up and especially to put the time into applying/interviewing, and not hear back at all, or receive an automated form letter, is devastating.

Neuroscience and human behavior for even more support

I find aspects of neuroscience fascinating and supportive because it really shows how much the job search and hiring process affects us all. And why it's so important to make it better.

I also want you to know that how you're feeling makes sense.

• A scarcity of job opportunities is interpreted as a threat to our survival by our brains.

• When we receive an auto-rejection note or news that we aren't moving on to the next interview round, or someone else got the job, it sets off the fear alarm in our amygdala.

• Humans are wired for connection, with a physiological and social need for community. If we feel rejected by a job, work situation, or even perceive a rejection, our brains and nervous systems feel threatened.

• Our brains are wired to look for patterns. When we feel rejected, our minds automatically bring up other times when we felt rejected or didn't get the thing we wanted. So this latest rejection feels 10x worse, as we feel the accumulation of other times like this.

• Using this one rejection, our minds create false predictions and cognitive distortions such as 'this always happens' (all or nothing thinking), 'no one wants me' (overgeneralization), or 'I'll never find a job and will lose my home space' (catastrophizing).

• We don't 'see' other people's rejection from job searching, and most people don't talk about it. This makes our brains think it's only happening to us; in actuality, this experience is happening to a lot of people. Still, it reinforces negative self-belief, and often makes us less likely to reach out for support and understanding – at a time it can help the most.

Being aware of these helps us to know when they're happening so we can find ways to comfort ourselves, override our automatic tendencies in healthy ways, and take positive action where we can.

Also, if you've ever wondered why you get upset sitting down at your computer to start your search (fight), avoid your job search (flight), or get overwhelmed and can't seem to get started (freeze), it's your brain working hard to protect you from any more pain and hardship.

What you can do

I hope by now you are feeling more whole, realizing that the challenges of the job market are not a measure of your self-worth or how hard you are trying.

Believe me, your effort is not the problem.

I also want to add that there is nothing wrong with feeling sad, angry, upset, or emotional about not getting something you really want. It hurts. Your sadness and grief show that you care. Our feelings make us human. They also make you someone who brings empathy to our world that so deeply needs it.

Here are a few things you can do to reclaim your power.

Run parallel paths

Always keep applying and talking with people as you apply to open roles. This keeps your options open and can reduce the sting if an opportunity doesn't work out. It also keeps momentum going at a steady pace, rather than the high energy cost of starting and stopping your search efforts.

Try new things in your search

It goes without saying that we want to avoid this experience in the first place; we want to secure a great new job. Try new ways of sourcing opportunities, see if you can have at least a few information-gathering conversations to learn about different types of work, obtain introductions and warm leads, and consult with a coach or trusted mentor for new ideas, strategies, and support. Just as elite athletes work with a coach to fine-tune, sometimes it's that little bit extra that can inspire a new result.

Protect your energy and mental health as a top priority

This market is cray. There, I said it. Take breaks, find a realistic pace for your search efforts, and treat self-care as the fuel. Focus on sleep, food that nourishes you, and being around supportive people as much as possible.

It's not you, it's them

There's an oversimplified, and I feel privileged, social ethos that says 'if you just work hard, you can do anything,' and it's a recipe for internalizing what are actually systemic barriers. Absolutely work hard on the things that matter to you. Anyone who knows me and works with me as a client knows I encourage going after the things you really want to do. But when it comes to the process of getting there, it's healthier to validate the very real external factors. This helps us to take agency over things we have control over, use our energy for creative solutions, and not blame ourselves, which can be associated with shame, isolation, and even situational depression.

The 'we went with another candidate' might not be about you at ALL

There are myriad scenarios as to why you may have been the perfect person for the job and not gotten the interview or job offer that have nothing to do with you. While these are common knowledge, it's still frustrating. They range from someone being identified early on or an internal connection influencing the hiring, unfair bias, feeling you were overqualified, or other reasons; it truly may have nothing to do with your qualifications, talents, or personality. I know it doesn't make it hurt any less, but try not to see it as a measure of you as a person.

Cultivate self-compassion

In this troubled market, instead of being kinder and more understanding to ourselves, we often push ourselves harder or are more critical. Increasing self-compassion is like learning a new language, and it's so worth it. I love the work of Kristin Neff, Ph.D., who is internationally recognized for her work and research on self-compassion. She describes self-compassion as treating yourself as you would a good friend. This is especially true in a job search.

Common humanity

Part of self-compassion and one tenet of Dr. Neff's work is common humanity. In a job search, we can bring mindfulness to validate the pain of not getting the interviews or roles we really want. From there, it can help us to feel less alone in remembering that others are going through this right alongside us and share similar feelings. Too much of a job search is isolating, and it helps to remember that we are connected to each other in the very parts of a job search that we struggle with.

I really hope today's article reminds you of your self-worth as a human. You are so needed in our world; you have inner goodness and gifts that transcend any aspect of a job search.

I hope this gives you renewed strength and love for yourself, validates your experience, and helps to delineate the flawed hiring system from your beautiful personhood.

Rooting for you, always.

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