Are you blaming yourself in your job search?

What it's really like

Job searching is one of the most difficult, complex goals there is. Besides not being taught how to job search (was there a class on this I missed? ;) there’s far too much magical thinking about how switching jobs actually happens.

“Tap the hidden job market!”

“Reach out to your network!”

“Make your job search your full-time job!”

These platitudes don’t account for the rise of fake (or “ghost”) job postings where a candidate has already been identified even though the vacancy is advertised, nor the variability of how robust or well-connected someone’s network is or isn’t, often due to reasons outside of our control. And, with job searches often taking longer right now (even by 2x or 3x pre-pandemic), self-care and balance are essential.

We’re experiencing an unprecedented job market with low inventory and a high number of applicants largely due to an unprecedented number of continuing layoffs, AI integration, and economic shifts. We also know there is unacceptable discrimination in many forms, along with low pay and high workloads, which make a job search and work harder.

  One would think that, given so many obstacles and external factors, we would go easier on ourselves.

Yet, even with so many objective reasons why a job search is challenging, we tend to blame the one person who is trying the hardest: ourselves.

Why is this?

Emotional impact of a layoff

With immense compassion and deep respect, I want to validate that too many among us have endured one or more layoffs, and this can have a pervasive effect on our identity, self-worth, and mental health. Even if you are a superstar and the reasoning was purely budgetary, as humans, it really hurts. 

With immense compassion and respect, I want to validate that enduring a layoff(s) can have a pervasive effect on one's identity, self-worth, and mental health. Even if you are a superstar and the reasoning was purely budgetary, as humans, it really hurts. I want to affirm that you have inner goodness and matter deeply as a person, independent of any job status. Your talents, character, and expertise remain; nothing can take that from you.

The way that many layoffs are handled also leaves much to be desired, and I think (hope) some organizations are starting to be more mindful of these conversations. I am extremely careful with language, and yet, I feel there is an aspect in how some companies share this news that, for many, is traumatic, even when that's not the intention. With its sudden nature, lack of empathy, and not being able to say goodbye to colleagues and clients – plus the devastating impact on personal finances and health insurance – a layoff can truly turn your world upside down. When so much is out of our control, we tend to blame ourselves even when it's not our fault. We replay countless scenarios and wonder what we could have done to avoid this, even though the issue is systemic. Not having the structure of a daily work routine also leaves a lot of time to ruminate and wonder.

Job searching is hard

You’re not imagining it. Job searching is hard. This is one of the main reasons I encourage working with a coach when you can. Job searching requires a completely different kind of skill set to navigate a very broken hiring system. It’s almost like being in a new land where you don’t speak the language and don’t know where anything is. If you were dropped off in this land due to an unexpected job loss, it’s even more disorienting. It helps to have a friendly, knowledgeable, and supportive guide. In job searching, when unfamiliar things or obstacles come up, it’s easy to blame ourselves when, really, it’s a layered process that takes some time to learn.

Job searching is isolating

When everyone’s doing the same thing and talking about it, it’s a shared experience with the assurance that it’s not just you. If your team is working on a complicated project or pitch, or if there’s a difficult client/customer, everyone rallies to support one another. Consider how different it feels, if you’re in your room or living space, by yourself, and staring at the computer screen – again –  for what feels like the umpteenth day of your own personal, terrible version of Groundhog Day. It’s almost automatic to blame yourself, wondering where it all went wrong. We overlook our tremendous strength, fortitude, and resilience – which we have in spades – gently reminding us that things can still shift in hopeful ways, even in the darkest times.

Three things you can do, starting now

I hope the above is validating, because it isn’t your fault.

In almost all cases, if you’re job searching, it’s due to circumstances you did not choose or ask for.

Practice self-compassion

We’re so good at offering a kind word to others, it’s almost innate. Yet, we can be so hard on ourselves, at exactly the time we need support. I love the work of Kristin Neff, Ph.D., who is a pioneering leader in self-compassion research. I encourage you to check out Dr. Neff's website and beautiful guided meditations/visualizations on Insight Timer. (Here is one of my favorites: Tender Self-Compassion Break.) She talks about giving ourselves the same kindness and compassion we’d give a good friend.

If a dear friend were going through the same job search (or work situation) you are, what would you say to them?

Dr. Neff also talks about “common humanity,” which connects us to each other and reminds us that we’re not alone. Millions of people are job searching right now, dealing with financial stress, work/life uncertainty, and feeling something similar to what you’re feeling. You are not alone. And it is this awareness that connects us.

Talk with someone

There are many options here, and the main thing is not to go this road alone. Whether it’s a coach, therapist, mentor, or supportive friend, family, or clergy member, find someone who can listen and offer support and encouragement. It can be very powerful to hear another voice offering reassurance and a kindhearted listener who truly understands.

The crisis line is also available, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Call or Text 988 in the U.S. for confidential crisis support 24/7 year-round.

Endorse the effort, and keep trying new things

A job search is humbling for all of us. It’s one of the only goals I can think of where you could put in a ton of effort and get so little in return – until receiving job leads, interview callbacks, and, ultimately, a job offer. This is why we have to focus on the process while working toward our desired result, with lots of support.

Keep trying new things, honoring your efforts and taking breaks, and focus on what you can control. Try new strategies, be creative, and balance applying to opportunities and talking with people to gain information, inspiration, and introductions. Nourish yourself with kindness and compassion.

I’m wishing you much good luck and hope you find a great job soon. Most of all, I hope you’ll feel supported during this time – by others, and also from your own heart.

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